On a not light note

I’m going to write a post here because basically I want to share without having to share. I haven’t told many people only close family and very close friends.Topics have been coming up lately about me having another baby. I joke.. I say things like “Factories Closed” but the truth is that very few people know the reason.
Last year, I had a pretty severe miscarriage. Seriously, not one of those oh I had some cramps and then magically wasn’t pregnant anymore… it was more like spotting from week 8 and then week 11 BAM. I’m not going to TMI on here but it was gory… and scary. The worst part is that I was entirely alone in an emergency room knowing just what was happening. One of the worst things that’s ever happened to me in my life and I basically suffered in silence.

The after math was probably worse. I hadn’t told anyone that I was spotting that knew I was pregnant so I had to go home and tell everyone what happened. I amassed a lot of debt. I lost tons of blood and was on iron for three months.

Statistically what happened to me was rare. I had two very healthy pregnancies and your chances of having a healthy baby increases with each pregnancy so my body was saying it wasn’t right, that something wasn’t right.  I had a sono at 9 weeks and there was a baby with a heartbeat. The Radiologist said that it appeared there may be pleural effusion.. but my OB insisted that at that early in the pregnancy you couldn’t tell something like that. They didn’t know exactly what happened when it was all over. This is the worst because it opens up the doors to GUILT.

I don’t know what’s in the future for me, but at this time. NO PEOPLE I DON”T WANT ANOTHER BABY. I will however, gladly hold yours or even babysit. I have a picture from the sonogram and I hide it and once in a while when I feel really self destructive I get it out.

My due date was 11/11/11

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