The past year has been one of crazy developments and not so quiet reflection.
I’ve let people into my life and I’ve let people go.
Throughout it all has been one consistent thing – my feeling of duty to people.
Sometimes I do what’s best for everyone else and sacrifice my own ambitions / aspirations / desires for the good of the “unit”.
While this is great it isn’t really helping improve my overall moral, if I don’t look out for me I’ve found that no one does. It’s part of the reason I started this blog, to have something that’s mine where I can put out whatever information I want and then backtrack on how effective I’m being as a human.
My kids from the moment they were a part of my life have been #1 and that will never change. Their needs outweigh mine 100 fold and so I try to prioritize accordingly. There are things that arise that make you question though, if I were to be happier wouldn’t that possibly make me a better parent?
And there you have your problem… at what point does the sacrifice stop?
At what point do you say we’re going to just have to make a change or even a leap and we’ll be OK because I know myself well enough to trust my heart.
Life is about choices, we are bound by them and they redirect the sails on our boats but if the boat is going from point A to point B regardless does it all really matter? I don’t believe in “free will” or I should say I think that “free will” and “destiny” are one in the same… you can keep pushing through but your inevitable fate will find you regardless.
Life can surely be scary and when you don’t fully trust yourself it can be even more terrifying.
There is a term in Japanese Tatemae it literally translates to the word form. But it’s used in the context of belief in public views. You may say publically that you agree with something but privately you feel differently. They use the term Honne for the views we acknowledge privately. It speaks volumes about how fascinating people really are. We live in the shadows of our dreams most of the time and it’s constantly befuddling how far we let ourselves become detached from who we really are just to appear different for the sake of… well, often only ourselves.
Check back a little later, I painted a birdhouse.